i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
He kissed a someone with a penis
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
