He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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