people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Randomize
