i just had sex bonerless
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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