Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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