Pants 0. Shit 1.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
