It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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