I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
