Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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