at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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