If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
