Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
