i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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