sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
