WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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