i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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