i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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