I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize