Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
