I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
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