Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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