After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
