It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
