I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
