All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
