Where is the hickey?
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
