i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
