You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
