I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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