Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
