I'm sorry my penis didn't work
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
