i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
