my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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