She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
two words...techno handjob
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
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