My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
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