last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
