her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
