Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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