I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
