Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
