She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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