she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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