I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
