you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
