6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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