God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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