Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
