What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
