I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
