i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
