If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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